There is a composer of motion picture scores alive today, who can best be summed up as the greater sum of his own parts. And his parts are made up of pure awesome.
He is a legend in every country in the world. Even the unpopulated ones.
There is a rumor that NASA found a monument on Mars dedicated in his honor … and suppressed it.
Look closely in the photograph provided above, and you will notice that the director Brian DePalma literally follows him everywhere he goes — always remaining deep in the shadowy background. This has never been adequately explained.
When his music is played for dolphins, they inexplicably roll over and hum the theme to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Every f***ing time.
Women often camp out on his lawn just to get a whif of his black socks as he leaves for work in the morning.
It is said that his peer, and fellow composer, Wojciech Kilar does his hair that way, just to draw attention away from his greatest adversary, “the JW.”
At age 16, and with no training whatsoever, he taught an unsuspecting guitar, how to play itself.
Much like the musical artist Prince, he too has secretly recorded numerous albums, only to shelve them for the joy of future generations. There are so many of them, they take up entire hangars at Area 51.
He regularly conducts with an item widely believed to be the horn of the once mythical, unicorn.
World leaders have his phone number, just in case his music is required to solve a crisis.
A single lock of his hair is worth approximately four million American dollars, in Burma.
If you get this look from him …
It means you’ve gone too far, proceed further at your own personal risk. He is not a man to be trifled with.
He once took a crap in a toilet at the Hollywood Bowl, and an obsessed fan removed it and had it bronzed.
He routinely writes, orchestrates and conducts music on a whim. And great filmmakers race to imagine and make movies worthy enough of his genius. Often failing at the task before them.
He is the only composer to ever be allowed to commit any crime of his choosing … anywhere in the world. And his integrity is such that he merely chooses to ignore parking meters.
He will not drink from a bottle of champagne unless it is 100 years older than anything you have on the table.
Nine thousand women text him on a regular basis. And he has made love to all of them. Even the ugly ones.
When he hand writes a musical note, it feels born again, and thanks him for the experience.
The California Highway Patrol occasionally pull him over on the 405 freeway, to merely ask for his permission to pass him in traffic.
When he goes for a walk, his footfalls play the theme to Star Wars. And his farts play a compilation of his greatest hits. From Jaws to The Adventures of Tin Tin.
He generously allows people to hum. Even though he has preconceived every sequence of notes that every human being will ever spontaneously hum, throughout the history of mankind. Yes, he’s that good.
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He is John F’ing Williams, the most interesting composer in the world.
And you can all suck it.
WRITTEN BY: JAMES ALLDER 